The Joy Of The Lightbulb Moment
I spent a long time blaming the past for the present.
I over ate, I was angry, sad, depressed and full of self pity.
I blamed this on events from my childhood, convinced myself that if only my parents hadn't divorced I wouldn't be sad, if I hadn't had a difficult relationship with my stepdad I wouldn't over eat yadda yadda yadda.
Then there was a lightbulb moment.
I was, as per usual, bemoaning to my husband about how unattractive I felt, how awful I looked in my clothes, how I hated being fat.
He looked me right in the eye.
Lucy, he said, you know you are overweight, I know you are overweight, I love you regardless of your weight, you are beautiful regardless of what size clothes you are wearing but if you are unhappy change it because no one can do it for you.
That's when it hit me.
I didn't over eat because of my childhood, I did it because my relationship with food was massively fucked up, I wasn't sad because of my parents divorce, I was sad because I didn't value or love myself, I was angry because I was letting events of the past control my present.
The only person who could change it was me.
But boy has it taken a while.
My first task was to lose the weight.
I yet again took myself to a weight watchers meeting, this was something I did on a regular basis, every few months after a bout of self loathing but never with any real hope of losing weight.
Usually I slunk in, head down, sucking in my belly looking balefully at the 'thin' people angry about the size 14 girl desperate to be a 10.
This time I strode in, head held high.
This time I wasn't there because I had been 'shamed' in to going by clothes that wouldn't fit, remarks from family members or through self loathing.
I was there for me.
And this time I was going to do it.
Have you had a lightbulb moment in your life?
Did it come from self realisation or from someone else?
I'd love to hear your stories.
Reason to be joyful number 2, I'm no longer controlled by food.