The Joy Of Letting Go

There I was, pregnant with a much longed for baby, married to a man I adored and at a happy healthy weight.
So why was there still a lingering sadness?

It was my childhood.

I didn't have a terrible childhood, for the most part it was wonderful, a loving mum, loving stepdad, contact with my dad, though sporadic, he lives in California,  through letters and phonecalls we maintained a relationship.

My dad came back from America and everything changed.
His return caused problems.
Problems between my mum and stepdad.
Problems between my elder sister and my mum and stepdad.

My relationship with my stepdad broke down.
Whilst not willing to go into details, suffice to say it was a very upsetting and stressful time in all our lives.

Time moved on my mum and stepdad spilt up.

My stepdad and I rebuilt our relationship.
I lived away for a while and when I came back with my baby son he was great, very supportive he became a good friend and I spent a lot of time with him.

There was, however, a great big fat elephant in the room every time my stepdad and I got together.

The elephant was a huge beast full of anger, regret, bitterness and unsaid words.

For both of us.

Then he died.
Suddenly.
Unexpectedly.
Traumatically.

I had given birth to my daughter just 3 weeks before.
He had never met her.

I was heartbroken, not only due to the loss but also because I never got to say what I wanted to say.

Never got to tell him just how much he hurt me, how he was to blame for all that had gone wrong in my life.

Never got to hear him tell me he was sorry, though I must say he had alluded to this many times just not in so many words.

Never got to tell him just how much I loved him.

Yes, I thought, he is definitely to blame.

My stepdad and I had a common interest, it was something that drew us back together after the years of separation.
It was our interest in spiritualism.
Not in a talking to the dead type of way, more the spiritual side of ourselves.

He taught me how to read tarot cards in order to gain personal insight, not tell the future.
He had beautiful books about astrology and dreams.

Dreams.

A couple of months after his death I had a dream about him.
I asked him in my dream, did you ever love me.

Of course not, he replied.

The next day I felt lighter, happier, as if a weight had been lifted.
I assumed this was because I finally had an answer.
I finally had what I always suspected confirmed.
He didn't love me.

Yet I couldn't understand why this had made me feel better, surely I should be devastated.

So I began researching dreams more intently.

One of the first things I found out was that when you interact with others in your dream you are actually interacting with parts of yourself that manifest themelselves in familiar faces, that the people in your dream represent aspects of yourself you need to embrace, or traits you need to adopt in order to find the answers you seek.

So when asking my stepdad did he love me, I was actually asking myself, only I needed the answer to come from a person known to be forthright in their opinions, would be honest regardless of causing hurt feelings.

The question then became
Do I love myself.
The answer clearly no.

From that day forward I have given myself permission to love myself.

I have given myself permission to let go of previous anger, hurt, disappointments.

I realise now that far from being sad about the hard parts of life, blaming them for problems I am experiencing now, living with regret for choices made or not made, things said or unsaid, I should be joyful.

For every experience, every decision made, good or bad has brought me to where I am and who I am today.

Every decision made was made with the information I or others had at the time, the emotions I or they were feeling at that time and if I  or they went back to that point  a thousand times again with the same information we would still make the same choice.

That was and still remains the only choice that could have made at that point in time.

And the point is, I like my life, I like who I am.

And if none of those things had happened, if i had made different choices, if my mum, step dad and dad had made different choices I would not be the person I am today living the life I am living, the life I love.

So what can living with regret achieve?

What can blaming childhood experiences, traumatic experiences, choices made by others achieve?

Nothing other than depression, sadness and feelings of injustice.

Nothing other than being used as an excuse for our own actions, perceived failures or disappointments.

I'm not successful in my career because my parents didn't push me enough, and vice versa.

I'm overweight because of trauma in my past or because my parents overfed me, because I was bullied or not given enough attention.

I'm negative to others because I was raised in a negative household.

I'm sad because I had sadness in my childhood.

The fact is that none of those things are because of events of the past.

The past is gone, its out of your control.

All you can control is how you act now.

Living in the past, rehashing decision's made, events gone by will do nothing but prevent us from loving who we are today and taking responsibility for our own choices and actions.

For today is all that matters.
If you are being the best person you can be today.
If you are making choices with hope for the future, based on who you are today rather than experiences of the past then you will always do what is right at that point in time.

So give yourself the permission to love who you are today.

Don't hate yourself or others for choices made, actions taken in the past, for they were all necessary to bring you to this point.

I now realise that of course my stepdad loved me, his love was evident in the joy of my childhood but was lost to me in the cloud of sadness. 

I can now remember the good times again.

Accept the things you cannot change (the past)
And change the things you cannot accept (today and in the future).

Reasons to be Joyful
I love who I am.

Do you love yourself?
If not why not?
Can you let go of the past?

Also any questions about dreams answered.
Feel free to comment.